An Attempt to Tell My Story/Testimony

I grew up attending church with my family. I was baptised, had my first confession, first communion, and went through conformation. I went through all the steps that I believed I needed to do to be a good christian and a good catholic. I went to Wednesday night church school. I prayed the Our Father, Hail Mary, and the Glory Be. However, I seemed to be missing something rather big along the way. But what was it?

After conformation I began my drift away from the church and away from God. I became a 'Cheaster' as we called it. I only went to church on Christmas and Easter, or important events. I went through a season of about seven years where God not only felt distant, but at times even nonexistent. I went through a cycle of being mad at God, during which a lot of insecurities and frustrations poured out. I then hit a point where I questioned God's existence. I believed atheistic ideas that came out of college professor's mouths. At that time in my life it was very easy to buy into the things they were saying because of the distance that I had put between God and I. I bought into evolution and the "Big Bang Theory" ways of thinking. Then as cycles go, I was brought back to where I started. I was sitting around one day and a question popped into my head. "What went bang?" "Well, I don't know what went bang. No one ever really answered that before. I mean how could something have exploded and started the creation of matter if there was nothing," I thought. "As far as I know you can't make something from nothing. Everything you make has to start from something, unless your God." Ohh, a light bulb kicked on for me that day, but it was a bit dim. For the first time though, I started looking at this world as a miracle. I took on a new appreciation for everything around me. I started to believe again. However, it just brought me back around to where I started. Upset with God. I believed in God's existence again, but did not feel like He was too interested in me. I began to rationalize God. From the little I actually knew about God at the time, I formed a comfortable, logical, well thought out picture of God. To me He had become a distant, uncaring, uninvolved, judgemental God. He created the world and then took a vacation to see what we would do with it. That is how I had perceived my experiences with God up to that time.


It was not until I started struggling with my job at the St. Cloud Police Department that I started to pursue God, or rather, as I know now, I recognized God's pursuit of me. Jesus says in John 6:44, "No one can come to me unless the Father who has sent me draws him..." Even though I had given up on God, He had never given up on me. He had been working to draw me back to Him that whole time. It was not until the little world I had tried to build was falling apart that I recognized His pursuit in my heart. He was my last resort as I struggled to figure out why nothing felt right about what I was doing. I started praying the prayers I knew again. I had a prayer I read before I went to work each day, and I even started praying out my frustrations a bit. It was at this time that I saw God answer my biggest prayer.


At this time it just so happened that Lindsay had come home from her YWAM DTS. I had feelings for Lindsay prior to her return, but I never pursued her. Timing and distance always kept me from stepping out and taking a risk, or maybe it gave me an excuse. I am still not to sure on that. I can look back now, though, and see God's timing in this. My heart wasn't really ready for God, but I needed Him. As Lindsay and I started to catch up and eventually start dating, God began using her. She began to stand in the gap between God and I. She prayed for me in a way I had never thought to pray before. She was there when I needed to talk, she supported me, she was a friend, and she loved me before she ever LOVED me. She was a reflection of who God really is.


I began going back to church with her. We went to a variety of different services. Including an outdoor service at Sibley State Park. I really liked the idea of getting outside of a building into God's creation to spend Sundays with Him. She also brought me with her to her college church in Fridley, MN for the worship service. It came complete with full band, people standing and clapping, waving flags, and of course a good AMEN or two out of the crowd at random times. It was a bit different for me, but I loved it. I also found myself meeting a lot of people at this time that would help me a lot over the ten months that Lindsay would be returning to Bangladesh.


The day came when Lindsay had to get on a plane for Bangladesh, and I had to get started on something. I had finally figured out what the big thing was that I seemed to be missing along the way during my childhood. A personal relationship with God. I began reading the bible again, and was hit with such strong emotions again and again as I read it. I was hungry for answers, and hungry to know God. I started reading some books that were recommended to me, and the Word started taking on even more meaning. Most importantly, I began to finally start seeing who Jesus really was, and what it meant to follow Him.


It wasn't long after this that I found myself on a mission trip to Ensenada, Mexico with a group of people I had only met a couple of times before from Lindsay's church in Fridley, MN. I was going to get a taste of missions, and to see a little bit about YWAM since they were hosting our Homes of Hope trip in Ensenada. I got rocked over that week. The very first morning we were there I had a life changing experience. We went to a local church that morning for their Sunday service. It just felt like there was electricity in the air form the time I got there. They had a full worship band and the place was filled with a few hundred people. I found myself trying to follow along with the songs the best I could using what little spanish I remembered from high school. I was having fun as words and phrases were coming back to me, and was feeling pretty good about remembering so much from classes I had six years before. Then their guest speaker for the day came out. He told us an amazing story of overcoming drugs and other hardships as he grew up, and how God had saved him. He was there to speak on family and bringing Jesus into your marriage, family, etc. I found myself praying toward the end of it, and than with out really noticing the transition, I heard him start speaking to us as individuals. He started down a line of questions that I wish I could remember in more detail, but it came down to us bringing Jesus into our lives. I remember him asking the crowd to close their eyes. Then he asked some things and asked those who wanted them to raise their hands. So I did. He then spoke some more and tears started running down my face uncontrollably. He asked us to stand if we wanted these things in our lives so I stood up. So there I was, arm raised, standing up, eyes closed, and tears running down my face when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I opened my eyes to see one of the group members behind me and only a dozen or so people standing in the crowd. I had expected to see everyone standing since what he was saying was so good. After a few moments of feeling self conscious, those of us that were standing prayed. I then received that relationship I was missing for so long as I accepted Jesus into my life, and I have been working with Him to strengthen it ever since.


Now, I find myself in Homer, Alaska. I am married, going through a Discipleship Training School with YWAM, and still getting rocked every week by God. There is just so much to Him. There is a depth I never knew, and I am loving having this opportunity to get to grow in that relationship